• Stepmom’s Secret Shame: Naivete

  • A Case of You by Joni Mitchell

    “I met a woman
    She had a mouth like yours, she knew your life
    She knew your devils and your deeds, and she said
    “Go to him
    Stay with him if you can
    But be prepared to bleed

    A Case Of You lyrics © Crazy Crow Music / Siquomb Music Publishing

    Sometimes, when I think about life as a stepmother, I can feel my heart breaking into little pieces.  This is the secret that I hide.  I don’t want anyone to know that stepmother life can make me sad or even make me cry.

    Stepmothers hold a deep secret.  They love passionately.  They love their children, their partners and their friends passionately.  They desperately want to love you.  Stepmothers have a purity about them and a childish naivete.  When they arrived into your life, they were thrilled to start the journey towards loving you.  The secret was that their mission in life is no deeper than the desire to make a difference in your lives and be accepted.  They did not want your money.  They did not want power.  Despite their reputations, stepmothers are quite pure in their desires.  They are also quite pure in their naivety.

    Stepmoms are shocked when their love and desires are met with disdain or rejection. It is like a child who gets rejected by the popular group at school.  Like children, we will hide our disappointment and vulnerability.  In fact, we do not want you to know that we are devastated.  Like Joni Mitchell suggested in the lyrics above, “we were not prepared to bleed”.

    If you have a stepmother who seems a tad cold or is, at times, quiet, please know that she was not prepared to bleed.  She may be traumatized.  She may be embarrassed.  She may feel ashamed at her efforts towards being liked.  If you have or had a stepmother, she may have built a wall around herself.  Be kind to her.  A quick smile will do the trick. When you are kind, those walls will tumble down.

    I am writing a book that is meant to explain to the world what is happening in the head and the heart of a stepmother.  This book is something you can give to your family members that may help them understand you.  If you would like to be on the list for my short, eloquent book called, I Know Why the Stepmom Cries, please sign up here and I’ll let you know when it comes out.