Did You See Sarah Ferguson on Oprah?

Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, visited with Oprah this week. She is participating in a docu-drama about her life and her ‘fall’ (Is it a fall?) from Royal family to everyday folk. Sarah talked about many issues in her life, but I was struck by her comments about her Mom. She said that her Mom left her when she was 12 years old and left the family for a polo player. This one piece of her family history explained much to me.

First, how devastating for your mother to leave your home. Children often take on the burden and blame themselves. Sarah did the same. Children are egocentric: everything is about them. So, it makes sense that they would conclude that the parent left because of their actions. What would you think about yourself? I am ugly? I am hateful? I am a bad person? Also, how frightening to have your main security system, Mom, leave and not come back! I would be terrified every time someone left the house!

Did you know that the British press turned on Sarah Ferguson when she left her newborn child to visit her husband, Prince Andrew? He had been away, serving in the Navy, and she had not seen him. So, she took a trip without the new baby. She was pegged as a bad mother and the press picked it up from there. Of course, Sarah was frantic. She took that trip because her fear of abandonment was overwhelming. Understandable!
Combine the fear of abandonment with the feelings that you cause people to leave, Sarah’s self-destructive behavior is understandable. Sarah’s thoughts around what you need to do to “make” people like you are distorted. In fact, the notion of needing people to like you is an unending spiral.

Can you see that your stepchildren could be having the same thoughts? “I caused the divorce. Dad or Mom left because of me. I am not worthy. I am a bad person”.
Here is where the step mom can be a big help. Look for qualities and accomplishments of your step kids. Let them know that you notice their talents. Ask them if want to do little things like getting some ice cream or keep their favorite foods in the house. Bake brownies every time they come over. Enjoy them.