I LOVE YOU LIKE MY OWN I KNOW YOU LOVE THEM, BUT IT’S NOT THE ‘SAME’, IS IT? LOVING ‘YOUR OWN’ IS ‘DIFFERENT

I just get so angry when people compliment me for loving my stepchildren “like my own.”  That comment implies that love differentiates between people in some way, specifically biologically.   I am completely lost when I am asked how do I love them the same as my bio child?  Does the umbilical cord dictate the love you have for a child?  Haven’t we all had the experience of deeply loving others to whom we are not blood related?

Or, are these questions and beliefs about love generated by a gut fear of losing the love of your bio child to someone else?  (For the record, love does not work that way.  It is not possible to lose love.)  Or, do we all have a need to feel special to our bio children?  Either way, true love does not know about biological connections and it is infinite.  That is, there is plenty of love to go around.  The more you give out, the more that comes back.

I recently spoke with a friend who is adopted.  She told me that she has similar experiences.  Some have questioned her family about the difference between adopted versus biological children.  She shared that people make remarks like:

“You must miss your ‘real’ parents”.

“It is very nice that your parents opened up their home to you”.

To these remarks, she was equally lost.  Her ‘real’ parents were standing right there.  Her parents’ home was her home.  She was not an invited guest.  Their love for each other was very real and no different than any other type of love.

I saw this happen in my own life.  My first husband and I got divorced when my son was an infant.  He did not participate in my son’s life.  When I remarried, my husband, Bruce wanted to adopt my son, Ean.  He had a meeting with his three bio children to discuss the possibility of Ean’ adoption.  All three children were in favor.  In fact, they also encouraged Bruce to ask Ean to call him Dad.

Those three kids could have said no to Ean’s adoption.  They certainly did not have to agree to have another child call their dad, “Dad.”  They had every reason to be afraid.  Their bio parents were divorced and fear of losing their Dad’s love and attention may have been rooted somewhere in their psyche.  Instead, they chose love.  They chose to love another human being, accepted him as their full brother and enjoy each other’s lives.  They don’t love Ean, “like their real brother.”  They just loved him.  He loved them right back.   Same went for Bruce’s love for Ean and Ean’s love for his dad.

We all love each other like our own.