Stepmother SOS-The Stepmother vs Bio Mother #Debate and The Winner Is…

Mothers and Stepmothers Always Feel As If They Know What Is Best

It makes sense that the ex-spouse would want to talk to her children’s stepmother at one time or another.  How you handle this conversation is critical and can be challenging.

Let’s set the scenario.  Let’s assume that your family has a somewhat ‘typical’ scenario where the kids come every other weekend or so and have some weekly arrangement.  Let’s also assume that the bio mom knows you, but not terribly well.  Can you imagine how frightening it is to know that a person whom you do not know well is caring for your children?  It has to be terrifying.

Remember what happens when you come from a place of fear.  Your brain focuses and believes anxious thoughts like:

• How do I know if she will harm the kids?
• Maybe, the kids will love her more.
• I am Mom and she better not try to cross that line.

On the other side, anxiety finds its way into the brain of the stepmother as well.  We are always afraid when we have to talk to the bio mom.  It is also terrifying.  Our thinking can go like this:

• She’s trying to trip me up and blame me for something.
• This is still my home.  She better not try to tell me what to do.
• My spouse is my husband now.  I’ve heard how horrible she is, so her opinion is not valuable.

Here are the ground rules of the debate:

1. There cannot be a winner.  Both of us are loving, strong women who care deeply for our children.  We have both won.
2. Show each other respect.
3. If the bio mom wants to discuss a child policy decision, send her to your partner so that the two bio parents can decide what is best.

When the “debate” begins, listen to what Mom has to say.  In most cases, Mom knows her children and has viable points.  Our own fears and prejudices make it hard for us to hear.  If suggestions or comments are made which really piss you off, here is your answer:  “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  Feel free to use, “I hear what you are saying.”  Or,  “Thank you for sharing your feelings with me.  I appreciate it.”  Are volatile, highly charged comments coming your way and you want to end the conversation, say, “It’s probably best if you talk to (other bio parent)”.

I can feel the brains of other stepmothers exploding as they read this piece.  No doubt that it is very difficult to keep our mouths shut.  Frustrating, right? Thoughtful speech is one of the most difficult skills to master and it is maddening to execute.   In the end, mindful speech is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your family.  You may feel as if you “lost” the battle, but you win for your family.

Take a listen to my tips on this subject from The Stepmom Toolbox Show.